When there is nothing of you left.

He shows up quietly, and makes quiet miracles happen.  Impossible things, things that even after they happen you are left in awe, wondering how the tide shifted mid-wave, how the direction changed midflight, how it all was darkness and death, and now suddenly, quietly, without warning to announce His majesty, suddenly

Thursday, December 9 2010

You stand in bright daylight, as though it were the most natural occurrence.  G-d is greater than anything I now, or will ever fear.  If I can only remember that, recall it whenever I feel alone.  Than I shall have a true and honest heart of flesh.

Abject Fear...

says that I should not even get out of bed in the morning.  After all if I do I will be going backwards, I have no gas in my car, I have my creditors calling daily wondering why I cannot make a payment.  I am a month behind on everything.  If I don’t it helps nothing at all, but at least my last days will be comfortable.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010
He who caused one day of oil to burn for eight, He stands watching me.

Trust...  I trust in G-d.  That is why I will get up in the morning.  I will find the courage to do so.  I will somehow find the strength to face tomorrow no matter what.  G-d provided a Miracle then, and if my car is still there in the morning, if I somehow can find some money for gas, if I can face the terror that threatens to overwhelm me.  Then this too will be a miracle. 

Mindsets, Prejudices, Paradigms, and Soul Correction.

For lack of guidance a nation falls,
   but victory is won through many advisers. Mish’le 11:14

I am currently of two minds.  Up till now my overarching mindset has been, “do well, and well will be done to you.”  I have been moderately successful (perhaps this is pride?) in giving my all to others (employers, friends, coworkers, etc.) However on the receiving end, I feel cheated. (and perhaps this too is a failure; expecting more.) Near homeless, near car-less, mostly best-friend-less, certainly husband-less, definitely childless.  I wonder.

 

 

 

 

 

Friday, December 5, 2010
I am going to check out a book on citrus cultivation.
What can I be doing better?

My Mother advises: Be selfish. Take care of yourself. You cannot give until you are taken care of, until you have a “core that cannot be harmed”  She speaks of financial security, and to a lesser degree of emotional maturity. She used words like “boundaries” and “martyr”.

 

My G-d advises: Be generous. Care for others. Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.  He speaks of life, this one, and an eternal one hereafter.

 

I do not think that these two ideas are compatible with each other.  I am loathe to discard my mothers advice, as it seems to be so very reasonable, and sound..  Especially in light of my seeming failure with the latter.  But I did the exact opposite, in foolhardy faith yesterday, and the day before, I gave more than I could afford....I should probably talk to my Rabbi.

Everyday Vigilance.

“The definition of frustration...” my mother said.  “...is having no one to blame but yourself!”  There is nothing worse than regret.  Knowing you did nothing and it resulted in worse than nothing.

Friday, December 3, 2010.
I moved the sprouts into the sun and one of the chatulim...noshed!

It is the season of latkes, dreidles and lights.  In teaching him how to play last night, he looked at the nun and said.  “nothing happens, I am okay.” speaking to his ever dwindling pile of chocolate gelt.”  “Well, not really.” I said “Because if you are not winning you are losing, if we are not going forward we are falling backward., losing ground.”   My Rabbi  and Rebbizen laughed and then smiled at me.

I realized this morning that G-d may be using me as the “two by four” (his words) that gets him out of bed and to work....but G-d is using him in just as significant a way.  As the draw that wakes me up early, and walks my dog, feeds the cats, makes breakfast....we cannot do this, we cannot do anything alone.  As humans we are designed with flaws that need specific motivators to be overcome.  To G-d be all praise!

Surprise!

A change of scenery and different expectations led to a perfectly delightful surprise.  While visiting my sister for Thanksgiving another bit of green joined us topside.  When I put the seeds in, two had initially began to grow but after the chatulim knocked it over the first time, I assumed the second seed was a loss.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Apparently not.  Due to the very dry area of the country my sister lives in I decided to cover the single sprout with a tall glass.  (I also decided that as a rule, whenever these days fall on holidays I am going to treat them as a Shabbat and not record them) Within a day, perhaps enjoying the “greenhouse” treatment, this second sprouted up.  It had been there the whole time, waiting for an opportune moment.  I am not entirely certain what to make of this development.  Since until now things have dovetailed nicely.  Simply.

This new thing is messy, complicated, unexpected, but exciting.  I am still terrified...of course.